May 14th

I am generally satisfied with my life.

It's strange for me to say this, because I never can predict the moment it turns. It seems to have been some time (although it always seems long enough since the last time that I forget what it's like), and I don't want to jinx it.

So it feels so trivial and stupid to even care about this. But lately, I've been in the situation where I'm the third, or fifth, or seventh wheel. Or conversations at picnics turn to discussions of boyfriends, and I'm surpised that I'm the only one in the group of a half dozen girls sitting in a circle without a boyfriend, who has never had one. I pretend to be engrossed in my phone, as I feel the sun burning my back.

It's not even something I care about when I'm by myself. I like my space as much as I dislike most people. I'm about as affectionate as petrified wood. It's only when I'm surrounded by people in happy relationships that it becomes a has/has-not. And I hate being a has-not, even if it's something I don't need. I have tried on jeggings, I buy big sunglasses even though they make me look like a bug. I just want to fit in.

Jesus I feel like I'm in middle school again. Good thing I'm graduating college this weekend.

Funny, within the music faculty, that any professor I've worked with generally has good things to say about me, but the ones who have never worked with me are always negative.

Meh, whatever. I'm proud of how I did, and how I've grown this year.

Mayday

I am so thankful for all of my friends here. I have many people here that I care about, and that I know I will miss when I leave. There are a few people who can go fuck themselves, but I don't need to do anything. I'm sure their unprofessional and rude attitudes will fuck them over later in life. And that's all I have to say on that subject.

April Fool

Hairpin digging into my scalp. Fly catches my eye lit by the screen. I don't move. It's so close to my face.

It goes so quickly, with no middle ground.

Paid off

because I got in.

Still riding this thing.

Phone rang.

Hello?
Hello? Erin?
Yep?
This is Dr. S.
Oh. Hey.
Listen, I was thinking. You should contact that guy you auditioned for and just ask when you'll know. Because you have some decisions to make.
Oh, yea. I was thinking about doing that tomorrow.
Why not today?
Well, because it's after business hours.
Well, why not shoot him an email?
Ok. I'll do that now.
It's just, you need to know. And I think you'll do better, regardless. Because then you'll know.
Yea, that's probably right. I try not to choke.
And depending on what he says, I'll have a glass of champagne for you in celebration or to sink your sorrows into. She laughs.
Heh. Yea. I told my friend that when I found out that if I got in I'd spend my next paycheck on booze for a party, and if I didn't I'd spend my next paycheck on booze.
She laughes.
Don't worry, I only worked like twice. It's not including Easter week. Not a big paycheck. I scratch at my hand. Find that I'm crying.

What goes through my head, when I should be socializing.

Answer: A lot.

What I say:
a. If I know them: Too much
b. If I don't, that well: nothing at fucking all.

It's too cold in this house. I'm by myself, hyper-tuned. Every noise warrents investigation.

The space heater is only a few feet away, but I don't move. Tank top and tights and goosebumps and menstruation and bracelets and disgust and stress-acne.