Hairpin digging into my scalp. Fly catches my eye lit by the screen. I don't move. It's so close to my face.
It goes so quickly, with no middle ground.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Friday, April 9, 2010
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Phone rang.
Hello?
Hello? Erin?
Yep?
This is Dr. S.
Oh. Hey.
Listen, I was thinking. You should contact that guy you auditioned for and just ask when you'll know. Because you have some decisions to make.
Oh, yea. I was thinking about doing that tomorrow.
Why not today?
Well, because it's after business hours.
Well, why not shoot him an email?
Ok. I'll do that now.
It's just, you need to know. And I think you'll do better, regardless. Because then you'll know.
Yea, that's probably right. I try not to choke.
And depending on what he says, I'll have a glass of champagne for you in celebration or to sink your sorrows into. She laughs.
Heh. Yea. I told my friend that when I found out that if I got in I'd spend my next paycheck on booze for a party, and if I didn't I'd spend my next paycheck on booze.
She laughes.
Don't worry, I only worked like twice. It's not including Easter week. Not a big paycheck. I scratch at my hand. Find that I'm crying.
Hello? Erin?
Yep?
This is Dr. S.
Oh. Hey.
Listen, I was thinking. You should contact that guy you auditioned for and just ask when you'll know. Because you have some decisions to make.
Oh, yea. I was thinking about doing that tomorrow.
Why not today?
Well, because it's after business hours.
Well, why not shoot him an email?
Ok. I'll do that now.
It's just, you need to know. And I think you'll do better, regardless. Because then you'll know.
Yea, that's probably right. I try not to choke.
And depending on what he says, I'll have a glass of champagne for you in celebration or to sink your sorrows into. She laughs.
Heh. Yea. I told my friend that when I found out that if I got in I'd spend my next paycheck on booze for a party, and if I didn't I'd spend my next paycheck on booze.
She laughes.
Don't worry, I only worked like twice. It's not including Easter week. Not a big paycheck. I scratch at my hand. Find that I'm crying.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
What goes through my head, when I should be socializing.
Answer: A lot.
What I say:
a. If I know them: Too much
b. If I don't, that well: nothing at fucking all.
It's too cold in this house. I'm by myself, hyper-tuned. Every noise warrents investigation.
The space heater is only a few feet away, but I don't move. Tank top and tights and goosebumps and menstruation and bracelets and disgust and stress-acne.
What I say:
a. If I know them: Too much
b. If I don't, that well: nothing at fucking all.
It's too cold in this house. I'm by myself, hyper-tuned. Every noise warrents investigation.
The space heater is only a few feet away, but I don't move. Tank top and tights and goosebumps and menstruation and bracelets and disgust and stress-acne.
Friday, March 12, 2010
Erin
-fluctuates way too easily, eating chocolate graham cracker cookies in my bed looking at photographs. One week contains the best and worst of my emotions.
-went to the grocery store farther away from the UPS bubble late at night. Went because I thought I had a wart on my hand. Couldn't distinguish "cauliflower-like surface" (their description, not mine) from the miniscule shiny surface on my palm. Ended up buying exactly this: ONE pack G-U-M Eez-Thru Flossers, ONE bundle of "Thin Asparagus," ONE bottle Simply Saline Nasal Mist Cold Formula, and ONE box of Twelve Cinnamon Pop-Tarts.
-got an email response from my thank-you note. Three lines, one of them "Please keep in touch" and a casual sign-off. I am so anxious.
-just wants to dance, all the time. I am tempted to in choir, before class, but am afraid of what people would think. Instead I dance with little kids, the toddler I babysit, bombarding people in practice rooms, shaking my booty and boobies and arms and legs until I stop.
-went to the grocery store farther away from the UPS bubble late at night. Went because I thought I had a wart on my hand. Couldn't distinguish "cauliflower-like surface" (their description, not mine) from the miniscule shiny surface on my palm. Ended up buying exactly this: ONE pack G-U-M Eez-Thru Flossers, ONE bundle of "Thin Asparagus," ONE bottle Simply Saline Nasal Mist Cold Formula, and ONE box of Twelve Cinnamon Pop-Tarts.
-got an email response from my thank-you note. Three lines, one of them "Please keep in touch" and a casual sign-off. I am so anxious.
-just wants to dance, all the time. I am tempted to in choir, before class, but am afraid of what people would think. Instead I dance with little kids, the toddler I babysit, bombarding people in practice rooms, shaking my booty and boobies and arms and legs until I stop.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Hell is other people.
Wrote a big long post. Erased it.
We are out of oil in the house. I hate this house.
I just hate feeling like I'm the only one who does things. Before I left for NJ, if I didn't get the mail, no one did. That's just fucking retarded, for a house full of adults. I don't get what people do at home.
If I have to continue to live with people after this... I thought I wouldn't feel lonely around other people, but it just gets more and more crippling.
We are out of oil in the house. I hate this house.
I just hate feeling like I'm the only one who does things. Before I left for NJ, if I didn't get the mail, no one did. That's just fucking retarded, for a house full of adults. I don't get what people do at home.
If I have to continue to live with people after this... I thought I wouldn't feel lonely around other people, but it just gets more and more crippling.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Night before.
I wish I was a violinist. I could bring my instrument anywhere, practice whenever I want. I'm getting antsy. Listening and mental practice help, but I'm still terrfied.
Drove by myself, in a rental car, two hours there, one hour back. No map, GPS and phone batteies both on low. The phone is what I really needed, to talk to anyone. Instead, I talk to the GPS machine.
Turn right on Eagle Rock Drive.
Is it this one?
In point two miles turn right on Passiac Street.
Where is that? Did I miss it?
Stay left.
What? I didn't hear you. Did you know this car has XM Radio?
Stay left.
Thanks.
There are so many highways here. I drove on five today. I'd have to go quite a distance in Washington. There's not enough space here.
It's been awhile since I put myself out there, I guess. I pick at my tights, new ones, of a slick sealskin texture, as if water would roll off in beads. Ten students here. No one else in my program. Three have auditioned already. They take 2 students a year. I make appropriate small talk.
Drove by myself, in a rental car, two hours there, one hour back. No map, GPS and phone batteies both on low. The phone is what I really needed, to talk to anyone. Instead, I talk to the GPS machine.
Turn right on Eagle Rock Drive.
Is it this one?
In point two miles turn right on Passiac Street.
Where is that? Did I miss it?
Stay left.
What? I didn't hear you. Did you know this car has XM Radio?
Stay left.
Thanks.
There are so many highways here. I drove on five today. I'd have to go quite a distance in Washington. There's not enough space here.
It's been awhile since I put myself out there, I guess. I pick at my tights, new ones, of a slick sealskin texture, as if water would roll off in beads. Ten students here. No one else in my program. Three have auditioned already. They take 2 students a year. I make appropriate small talk.
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