Friday, October 30, 2009

All Hallow's Eve Eve

I got my glasses today. They have progressive lenses, these bifocals, and I like to move my head up and down and try and pinpoint the exact point they change. There isn't a decisive line. But I can tell, where the typing gets just the slightest bit out of focus, becomes grey, and the blanket pops forward, barely noticeable, like one of those 3-D eye puzzles they used to have in the papers, before reading is clear.

I love the rain. I'm not going to lie. I don't want to leave here. It blocks out the sounds of people laughing in the kitchen, the white noise of the space heater, the thoughts that won't leave my head. Like someone's outside and wants to come in. Strangely comforting, in a way. In this sense, I see how woman fall for the charming serial killers. Even if they only want to dismember you and wear your skin as a suit, it's nice being wanted. Jesus. This is pretty fucked up.

In high school, most of my male friends were single. Not that I cared, not that I was interested in any of them, but it was different, somehow. We could easily borrow a guy for a date, or spend time together without it turning into a Taylor Swift song, I promise, even though that's what this seems like. My four straight guy friends (although one I guess I've only made friends with my vagina, and less my heart, and even less my head) are all in long-term relationships. Which, again, is fine (with the exception of the person I was sleeping with. That is less fine). It's just weird. I don't even have a lot of male friends here. I need more straight single male friends that are happy with their lives. I don't want anything more than friendship with them, but I do want that. And the odds here are not in my favor. It's strange to think about this. And even stranger to think about how I'm going to meet people when I'm out of college. What will I do? Go to bars? Is that what adults do? Because I doubt I'll have a job, and even if I did I wouldn't want my social life and work life to be the same.

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