Sunday, January 25, 2009


Had a long talk with a friend who studied in Vienna last spring. Told her about my concerns, how I miss UPS already and don't know how to contact any of my friends, how last semester was not a good time, how I feel so disconnected from everyone. Haven't made many new friends yet but have very few behind me.

She said she felt the same way, how her semester before Vienna was her worst, and how Vienna and being abroad changed her. That gives me some hope.

I've thought about contacting some friends. The friends I haven't written postcards to. I don't know what to say. I feel like I should apologize, but I don't know what for. It's not even me being spiteful and stubborn. I'm sorry, last semester I was depressed, I didn't tell people because I didn't know what to do with it and what you would do with it, and I made poor decisions because I felt so disconnected from everyone. I'm sorry I didn't tell you what was going on, mostly because I didn't know how to tell anyone that something was wrong. And to this day only one person knows to the extent how messed up I felt because I sat shaking and smoking and crying in a tree with him, spending most of the time staring at the ground because I didn't know what I'd see if I looked at him. I feel like a mother apologizing for her unruly teenager who just burnt down an orphanage. There might have been some way I could have controled it, but it got out of my hands and I was embarassed.

I still feel this way sometimes. It's been off and on for awhile. Last semester, it just was on for longer than usual. Usually I can push it back, but the stress that everyone was under, along with music, family, money, boy, just did not lead to an environment where I could successfully shove them aside.

And I still really don't know how to make things go back to normal, and I doubt that that will happen at this point. I have a semester to figure things out.

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